Lol I rarely post about my *personal feelings* so bear with me…
I hate that I grew up fat. I hate that I loved who I was so much that I became stubborn to change the way I was. I hate that I was sensitive and the everyone around me learnt to keep quiet because I wouldn’t have listened to them no matter what they said about my weight.
Once I passed the age of 7 I stopped going down to the playground. Stopped running around with my neighbours, stopped playing silly games like catch or monkey in the middle. I stayed at home in front of the television rotting my little brain out. Everyone else spent those same years running about, probably with kids from their neighbourhood. I always spent them alone. While their muscle memories enhanced with the knowledge of how to catch a ball or react when an opponent runs pass you, my muscles slowly deteriorated as I sat on that couch or at the desk.
I used to think that the reason I sucked at sports or any team game or any social activity, really, all boiled down to the fact that I was fat. I couldn’t run, because I was fat. I couldn’t catch a ball, because I was fat. No one would talk to me, because I was fat. Boys laughed at me, because I was fat.
You know what’s the worse part? The worse part is growing up to realise that even though you’ve put in all that effort and lost all that weight; forcing myself to run, skip meals, eat less, inducing myself to puke the food out (doesn’t count as effort but it was a bad time so whatever). At the end of the bloody day you are still that fat ass kid stuck in your nicer looking exterior. Because of all those years I spent in my dormant stage I have literally zero muscle memory. I can’t really catch a ball properly cause my reaction time is shit, and whenever I try and play a game with someone I can’t focus and attempt to play properly because all my head tells me is that I am useless. And people are bloody confused at why I can’t seem to catch a ball properly or why I’m so scared to run up against the opponent or why I have a constant blank look at my face. You think I can’t hear what you say, can’t see the wtf faces you give your friends every time I mess up and can’t feel how your passive aggressiveness towards me. The saddest part is that that’s how society works and I believe every single bit of it. I am useless in this and I am still that bloody fat kid.
ps: I really don’t care how badly written this is I just wanted to get all this off my chest.