Lol I rarely post about my *personal feelings* so bear with me…
I hate that I grew up fat. I hate that I loved who I was so much that I became stubborn to change the way I was. I hate that I was sensitive and the everyone around me learnt to keep quiet because I wouldn’t have listened to them no matter what they said about my weight.
Once I passed the age of 7 I stopped going down to the playground. Stopped running around with my neighbours, stopped playing silly games like catch or monkey in the middle. I stayed at home in front of the television rotting my little brain out. Everyone else spent those same years running about, probably with kids from their neighbourhood. I always spent them alone. While their muscle memories enhanced with the knowledge of how to catch a ball or react when an opponent runs pass you, my muscles slowly deteriorated as I sat on that couch or at the desk.
I used to think that the reason I sucked at sports or any team game or any social activity, really, all boiled down to the fact that I was fat. I couldn’t run, because I was fat. I couldn’t catch a ball, because I was fat. No one would talk to me, because I was fat. Boys laughed at me, because I was fat.
You know what’s the worse part? The worse part is growing up to realise that even though you’ve put in all that effort and lost all that weight; forcing myself to run, skip meals, eat less, inducing myself to puke the food out (doesn’t count as effort but it was a bad time so whatever). At the end of the bloody day you are still that fat ass kid stuck in your nicer looking exterior. Because of all those years I spent in my dormant stage I have literally zero muscle memory. I can’t really catch a ball properly cause my reaction time is shit, and whenever I try and play a game with someone I can’t focus and attempt to play properly because all my head tells me is that I am useless. And people are bloody confused at why I can’t seem to catch a ball properly or why I’m so scared to run up against the opponent or why I have a constant blank look at my face. You think I can’t hear what you say, can’t see the wtf faces you give your friends every time I mess up and can’t feel how your passive aggressiveness towards me. The saddest part is that that’s how society works and I believe every single bit of it. I am useless in this and I am still that bloody fat kid.
ps: I really don’t care how badly written this is I just wanted to get all this off my chest.
Top: Zara, Jeans: H&M, Smoking Slippers: Pedder Red
Wore this get-up for an interview last week at Stranger’s Reunion! It’s a café that sells the best buttermilk waffles in my opinion and they have another store next door called Waffle Slayer that just serves a range of savoury and sweet waffles, I’ve probably been there 5 times this year which is a lot considering I eat out an average of twice a month??
Anyways, I enjoyed how my top had this fish scale thing going on that gave a uniqueness to the outfit- I was desperately trying to impress them with how “cool” I was, which in reality I am everything but cool HAHA (sobs). I felt like the shoes helped as well, cause of the metal tip and leather detailing that puts an edge to the usual smoking slipper. My interview was less than impressive, I was a fumbly mess and wrote my year of birth as 2014. Really need to up my interview game especially when uni applications roll in next year and interviews will be needed if my grades aren’t good enough.
Regardless, I got the job! So y’all can come and find me at strangers and make my life hell if you want. I’d recommend the goat cheese omelette, corn fritters, eggs ben, and definitely classic waffles! For coffee try a magic or if you aren’t into that the hot chocolate is really really good.
Hope the holidays have been great for everybuddy!
ps: special thank you to T for coming down to support me at my interview! As well as being for 24/7 photographer, about 70 % of the photos you see on this space are taken by him. Love ya bubz ❤️
Hello internet pals! How have you guys been? I am currently procrastinating from chemistry and I thought a little small post would suffice. I’ve been in a dry spell lately- not the sexual kind but like the motivational kind? HAHA. Basically I’m having trouble finding the motivation to study. These 2 weeks were meant to come and go like a breeze, but lately it has been more like a slow excruciating wait for the end- akin to watching paint dry.
T has been a really big help with this dry spell of mine. When you can’t pick yourself up, surround yourself with positive people! They don’t need to be like on crack kind of happy but they should be someone who is positive enough to care for you enough to help you out of your rut. Something else that’s great is to make happiness out of nothing. Try and find joy in every little thing. Something that makes me happy is catching zombies on this game I play called Zombie Catchers. Each time the game needs about 30 minutes to load, so I make myself focus and world harder within that 30 minutes just so that time can past quicker and I can impale more zombies with a harpoon! If you can take nothing and turn it into something just with a change in mindset I think that’s a damn wonderful thing??
The photos above are from the pasar malam T and I visited yesterday and we basically stood in the middle of the place for 10 minutes deciding what to eat #firstworldproblems. But there was nothing more fun than taking a (much deserved) break and exploring a new place. We found takoyaki balls going for 6 pieces for 2 bucks and got T’s mum new pyjamas! I really think this period of mutual suffering has brought T and I closer (sometimes a bit too close) and helped strengthened our relationship. So if you wanna know the secret to a successful relationship- take the A levels together HAHAHAH
Back to studying
Ps: download zombie catchers you will not regret!!!!!
Cookie recipe here (used butter instead of shortening and works perfectly as well)
Hello pals who read my blog! Can you believe the first week of exams is already gone??? I have about 6 more papers over the span of 3 weeks and I am dying to get out of the hellhole that is our education system. I may or may not be exaggerating but well you know. One of the first things I cannot wait to do is get back to baking. Fortunately christmas is coming soon so it’ll give me a reason to bake till my hearts content and stuff cookies and cakes down my friends throats :0) I’ll also try to find work in a cafe or something so if I ever get employed you guys can find me and torture me publicly by being demanding assholes!!!!! It will be so much fun HAHA.
Have a great week ahead
ps: send help- have been watching too many movie trailers on youtube and not revising enough bio